I hate “spoilers” – no, not the concept itself, I hate the use of the word. It’s very rarely accurate – how many “spoilers” actually ruin a short story, novel or movie?

If spoilers actually spoiled shit you’d need not see a stage production of Hamlet, or watch A Bridge To Far, or read A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court. That said, I think the use of the word has become near pandemic in amateur reviewing. Perhaps we are in the phase where the word has become so overused that it has become a dead metaphor?

Which leads me to point out this podcast, entitled This Podcast Contains Spoilers, and their intelligent, and persuasive, discussion of The Thing (2011).

Based on just this one episode of This Podcast Contains Spoilers I see it as an exemplar of a certain kind of fan based podcasts. Recorded conversation, by and with intelligent fans, well produced, personable and thorough.

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Podcast feed: http://thispodcast.libsyn.com/rss

Here’s my take on the movie itself (written before listening to the podcast):

Let me tell you about The Thing (2011) … spoiler* … here’s the thing, it is just what you expect it to be!

First though I should tell you this is not a remake. It is a prequel. In fact, the film’s producers thought John Carpenter’s 1982 version so perfect they dared not remake it. They should be applauded for this. But the demands of Hollywood profiteering require that no potential goldmine ever go un-exploited, and hence we have a prequel with the same title, same structure, and the same ideas as the 1982 version.

All the elements of the original (itself a kind of remake/adaptation) are in this version. There are at least a dozen near scene-for-scene parallels between The Thing (2011) to the John Carpenter version (1982). The main difference between the two is the inclusion of two females characters – I’m betting the Hollywood profit formula meant a script with all male characters just couldn’t get greenlit these days.

As prequels go, this one is one of the best I’ve ever seen. The acting is solid, the cinematography and sound design are fine, and the script is pretty tight. But being that there are absolutely no new ideas in it, it is of no cognitive value. It’s scary. I was afraid to watch it at night. But I didn’t think any new thoughts while watching it. When you watch John Carpenter’s The Thing for the first time you shit your pants and think strange and cool thoughts. When you watch the 2011 version you just end up with shit in you pants.

And that’s the basic problem. I can’t think of a prequel that ever improved on the original – and this remake/prequel is wonderful example of why they can’t! The Thing (2011) is a noble failure. It is malconcieved, but finely executed, it is a creation which strives for the maximum greatness in the shadow of The Thing (1982) itself.

Among the many thoughtful choices in the 2011 version was the idea to provide more than a token amount of Norweigan – it might have been more interesting to do the whole thing in Norweigan but this is Hollywood, where such ideas can’t get greenlit. In fact I didn’t expect that Hollywood would allow for as much foreign language as is in it. I was actually surprised at how much of it wasn’t in English (maybe about 20% Norwegian)!

Apparently the producers wanted to make the most compatible prequel possible, taking note of the facts about the backstory and basing their starting point for the construction of the prequel script. You’d think they should be applauded for this. But the demands of Hollywood profiteering require that no potential goldmine ever go unexploited, and hence a prequel with the same title, and basic structure as the 1982 version.

Now let me tell you a little about the premise. The title creature digests and then mimics the original – creating an imperfect copy that must, due to its ravenous metabolism, give itself away after only a brief time upon the screen. It consumes the nearest living thing in a gruesome display of lustful gluttony.

Yep, this movie is metaphor for the Hollywood movie industry.

Posted by Jesse Willis

*If you’re watching a prequel it cannot be spoiled. You fucking know what happens.